Firstly, apologies but this is going to be a really long review, the catalogue of disasters that befell us here warrants explanations. There is a huge lack of attention to detail here, we were certainly not made to feel special or valued guests, more like second-class citizens despite the high prices.

There were no signs on the road that we had arrived at the hotel, we only knew because our satnav told us. I do feel that they should have parking just for hotel guests, we found it difficult to park anywhere close to the hotel and with bags you do need to be close to the entrance. Either that or have doormen come to your car to get your bags like they do at the Le Manoir aux Quatr'Saisons.

There are no signs anywhere in this hotel and nobody thought to show us around so we struggled to find where anything was. Reception is not obvious, it is actually hidden behind the entrance door and the doormen did not think to accompany us to it so it looked as if we were walking into a restaurant, it is the lounge where afternoon tea is served and reception is behind you.

We went here for a special treat for my daughter and I paid over £800 for a Junior Suite, not including breakfast. What a waste of money that was. The room itself was lovely with a big bed and good quality bedding. No tea-making facilities in the room and a cup of tea from room service is £6! There were lovely Asprey toiletries, a big bath and a gas flame effect fire (but they have to light this for you, there is no button to do it yourself as in other hotels). However, on closer inspection it became obvious that the lounge carpet of the suite had not been vacuumed. We found a piece of (used) chewing gum on the carpet as well as a £1 coin and part of a tag which had obviously been removed from a new item of clothing by previous guests. Totally unacceptable. One of the robes had a huge hole in it, big enough to put your finger right through.
There was no lock or chain on the room door so we slept with a chair up against it for security, there are also no locks on the windows and one of our windows had been left partially open, and being 2 women on the ground floor, we were not happy with security (and this was before we found our room door open). Our package included a bottle of Prosecco but we had to request this, it was never offered.

We had booked afternoon tea directly with the hotel well in advance. When we arrived at the tea lounge, we were told our table wasn't ready and we would have to wait. We actually waited for half an hour and there was nowhere to sit as other people were waiting as well and using all the few available seats. So we stood getting in everyone's way and trying to move out of people's way all the time, feeling like a pair of plonkers. At no point were we given an indication of how long the wait would be, I had expected it to be a couple of minutes or we might have gone and found seating elsewhere. Eventually after 30 minutes, we were shown to a table. On the way to this table, the member of staff stopped to talk to a guest for quite a few minutes while we just stood behind him, waiting for him to finish and resume showing us to our table like a pair of lemons. So we sat down and our table is literally in the corridor of the tea lounge, we have guests and staff walking in front of us constantly, so much so that we have to keep tucking our feet in every time someone goes past so we don't kick them. In addition, our table is at an angle to us so we can't easily eat our afternoon tea, plus a table of 10 guests there for a wedding sat at the table opposite us and it became clear very quickly that they were considered far more important than us and were the main focus of the staff's attention (it was one of these guests that the staff member had stopped to talk to on the way to our table). So once again we waited to be served like a pair of second class citizens. I had noticed a side (residents) lounge and went to see if there was an empty table in there, which there was, so I asked if we could be moved to that table. The maitre d' went to have a look, then returned to say that it was for hotel guests only so we couldn't sit there! We are not only hotel guests, staying in a suite for £800 but are dressed up to the nines, in heels, posh frocks and pearls etc. Did he think we had been walking around the National Trust property like that? He should have known we were residents. We explained this to him and he reluctantly showed us to the other table, but he was not happy about this. So we had the afternoon tea, which incidentally is ludicrously expensive, more that the Ritz, Claridges or the Savoy and is ok, nothing outstanding. Tea isn't poured after the first cup, no refills offered, scones aren't warmed, none of the lovely little touches that should make it special, but it was ok. After we had finished, we moved to another part of the bar for cocktails. We are given one menu between us and order our cocktails (incidentally the most expensive ones on the menu). They aren't great but that's not a problem, it is all personal taste. But as we sat there, we noticed that literally every other table had been given nibbles (olives and nuts) except us. Mind you, while sitting there we witnessed a guest helping himself to some nuts from a bowl that was sitting on the bar, then this same bowl was put on another guests' table (the barman had seen him help himself too and still served the tainted nuts to the other guests!). So we finish our cocktails and wait....and wait....and wait for at least 20 minutes while 3 waiters chat together at the bar, we tried to wave and get their attention but nothing (and it's only a small room). So eventually I went to the bar to ask for the cocktail menu again and the barman tells me to sit down and he will bring it over. I very nicely explained that I'd been sat waiting for a long time already, could I just have a menu and he stormed over to where the cocktails menus were kept and almost threw one at me, making me jump back and yelp. He kept sighing heavily and when I asked him if he had a problem, he just put his head in his hands, sighed heavily and said very crossly "no, there is no problem, just go and sit down". Clearly there was a problem. I tried to establish why he was behaving in this manner and he just kept being very angry with me and rude to me and waving his hand for me to sit down. Well I was super fed up now so we just left the bar, went to reception and asked to speak to the manager. I explained the whole calamitous affair but I was actually shaking with rage and finding it very difficult to speak. The duty manager, George, was great, apologising and offering us a bottle of champagne in our room.

When we returned to our room, we were shocked to see that our door was open. In hindsight, this must have been left open by turndown, although there were no trollies etc in the corridor so it was not a recent thing. I was quite nervous entering the room in case someone was in there and I made my daughter stay safely outside in the corridor, particularly as our room was on the ground floor. Luckily we had put all valuables in the safe. After reporting this to reception, George phoned me to say that he had checked CCTV and was able to reassure us that only turndown had been into our room. This has never happened to me anywhere, not even in the lowliest of hotels let alone what purports to be a top 5*.

George brought champagne to our room to try to make up for what had happened and lit our fire for us. He is an asset to this hotel, very hard-working, I saw him the next morning whilst we were having breakfast, out on the terrace picking up litter himself.

Breakfast is served in an attractive room looking out onto the lovely grounds. The buffet is fine and hot food is cooked to order. However, the food and the tea were lukewarm, not hot, not sure how far away the kitchen is but this needs to be addressed. Then our breakfast plates were not cleared away so there was no room on our table to put our plates of pastries etc. I ended up moving our dirty plates to another table myself just so we could continue with breakfast.

On using the much heralded spa, we found the 'heated' outdoor pool was both dirty and freezing cold (very disappointing as I had specifically wanted to have a dip in the famous pool) and even the indoor pool was quite cold, another guest told me she found it cold too. The outdoor hot tubs were nice however, as was the indoor jacuzzi. The indoor pool however is of a ridiculous design and far too deep, I am of average height but could only stand up on tiptoe right at the edges of the pool. In addition, the steps to get into the pool end in a huge drop so you just have to launch yourself in. There were plenty of towels and robes and flip-flops are supplied in the lockers, which was nice.

On checkout, although our afternoon tea and drinks bill had been waived, there was a dinner from another guest on our bill, which we had to query and explain was not ours. Although George had said that Francisco, the Operations Manager, was insistent he wanted to speak to me about all the problems we had had, he was nowhere to be found - not that insistent then or he would have been available at checkout time, so I was told that he would write to me instead. In all fairness, he did phone me that night with an apology and followed this up with an email, sadly too little too late.

I would not return to this hotel and feel that it was a huge amount wasted. We have actually already booked to go to the sister hotel, Chewton Glen, in February for my daughter's birthday and I am now very nervous about this instead of being able to look forward to it. All I can hope is that they have higher standards than Cliveden.

Absolutely stunning grounds, beautiful location and the staff utterly amazing. The rooms were incredible with views that looked right over the spa. The food for the evening was delicious. I couldn't recommend it enough.

Spectacular stay. I cannot imagine a better place to visit. Everything was wonderful. Magical. The combination of Profumo history and the setting for Wind in the Willows made it a fascinating stay. Take a trip on the river. We will return.

David Black