I posed the ‘what would you do if you won the lottery?’ question to my wife; not only to hear what she would do, but to tell her that I would happily spend the next few months at Eshott Hall being pampered while I ponder what to do with our ‘millions’. I can never understand why people in the UK work so much, especially if they have more than enough in the bank. My dream (if I won the lottery) would be to never set foot inside a working environment ever again. The last 2 years at work have been a struggle; mostly due to health reasons and some work colleague challenges. (We’ve all been there, right?) My wife and I decided that we needed a break from our hectic roles within the NHS and as I find driving difficult these days, we wanted it to be no more than a few hours from our home in Scotland. We plumped for Eshott Hall on the outskirts of Morpeth and just a mile and a half from the A1. However, we swerved the A1 and took the scenic route from Edinburgh down through Jedburgh on the A68, A696 and then sharp left onto the Roman Road and through Northumberland National Park, where I swear we glimpsed a Scottish Wild Cat on the part of the road known as The Trench. Within twenty minutes we had left the wild woods and potential Wild Cat spotting behind and entered the more cultivated woods of Eshott Hall through a very narrow gate, which reminded me not to buy a Humvee with my lottery winnings. The house is very typical of the Adams’ style mansions that dotted the Scottish landscape during their Enlightenment heyday and continue to do so, mostly as upmarket wedding venues, although I imagine that maintaining them is a real challenge. Eshott Hall goes back way further than The Enlightenment and if you’re a history buff or just nosey, a quick google will show you how far back. We pushed through the glass panelled front door and were met immediately by a young woman in contemporary black leather trousers, contrasting with the stained-glass window looming over the staircase. She bent down to clap our 2-year-old Cocker Spaniel Maggie and we knew we liked this place already. Our room was called Wisteria which sounds like a mutant strain of Covid, but inside it was roomy and comfortable with a large window overlooking the wooded area where you could sit and squirrel watch. Maggie loved this spot although what she would do if she ever met a squirrel is probably not the stuff of romantic fiction. The bathroom was a vast large square containing a bath that was wide enough for me plus a half and surprisingly for an old property the water pressure was great. Maggie had her own bed and was greeted by a box of high-quality dog treats. Things were looking good, at least for dogs. There was the usual tea and coffee making facilities and two packets of posh biscuits. The wardrobe creaked like an old friend and was festooned with hangers. The cracks around the cornicing seemed to welcome us to become part of the history of the place if only for the blink of an eye. My wife is a serious unpacker and before long we had slumped into the chairs that must have been related to the Children’s tv character Bagpuss and slurped our tea while nibbling away at the posh biscuits. Maggie got stuck into her own treats sprawled out on a bed fit for a King Charles never mind a Cocker. We had booked for dinner and when we went downstairs the hotel had popped us into a separate dining room so that Maggie could sit with us. After explaining that she wouldn’t be dining they happily moved us into the main dining room. The service was slick and understated and to my mind this is an artform that is easily lost. Blame it on Brexit, Covid, Taylor Swift or a Solar Flare, but my experience is that UK hospitality has been negatively impacted, like so many other things in the last 4 or 5 unprecedented years. Not so Eshott Hall; they should do master classes in guest relations. A huge part of hospitality is about making people feel good and attending to things if they are not. The staff here did this effortlessly. Trigger warning ahead! Although Eshott Hall boasts culinary excellence in its website blurb I would say that the food is… adequate. My starter of Tomato and red pepper soup was delicious as was the selection of bread and I began to get a bit excited about my main course. My daub of beef was okay-and the attendant greens were nicely cooked, but the gravy look like it had been rustled up at the last minute and I noted a few blobs that suggested it was an emergency job rather than something created from scratch. My dessert was in a similar vein. The sorbet was watery, and my Soufflé was undercooked if only by a few seconds. My wife’s fish cake was more potato than fish and the presentation lacked finesse. I think if you are going to boast about your culinary skills you must ‘walk the walk’. Apologies for the mixed metaphors, but I’m not boasting about my literary prowess here. I wasn’t expecting Michelin standard-and do you know what the meal was fine and the staff’s attentiveness more than made up for the food. The piano music was a bit grating after a while, but it’s a minor thing. (Pun intended). We had a decent sleep despite our dog forcing us to do a 4am and 5am toilet walk. Our own bed was clean comfy and quirky. It didn’t creak like the wardrobe, but it was held together by a dinky brass hook which added to the quirkiness. Breakfast was awesome! Table service with white tablecloths starched to within an inch of their lives were meet with bleary but appreciative eyes. Thankfully, the piano was played at a peep and the table service was as attentive and professional as the previous evening’s dinner service. The full breakfast was excellent-and the morning coffee was perfect. More and more hotels are getting rid of this level of service, to their long-term detriment. I’m of an older demographic and judging by the people around me they had all either retired or won the lottery, but we know what we are talking about and for hotels to lose this level of customer service to coffee machines and vacuum-packed continental breakfasts is to lose a skill that you never get back. If you disagree then look at the mess British ship building is in. Once the skills are lost, they’re lost forever. Okay, so our second morning’s breakfast was not quite as good, with lace trimmed fried eggs and slightly undercooked yolks (perhaps the chef had taken a well-deserved day off). No harm done, as I said at the beginning I haven’t been keeping well and my digestive system is fragile, so I did leave quite a lot of food on my plate, but there was nothing seriously wrong with it. Perhaps a bit more love shown to the food by the chef would be welcomed. The hotel has some woodland walks, but recent storms have put paid to these at present. I’m sure these walks will be back before the wedding season goes into overdrive. The nearby Eshott Village is worth a stroll if you want to see how the other half live. It has quirky features such as a tiny church with a phone box that does not contain a defibrillator and down another street there is a defibrillator that is definitely a defibrillator. If you like defibrillators and empty phone boxes you’re in for a treat. Our bill for a two-night stay including breakfast for two days, one evening meal and a supplement for the dog was very reasonable and I may come back to Eshott Hall one day if I’m feeling flush. If my numbers come up I’ll definitely be back and I might even buy them a real piano.…